I can not trust my partner.. What do I do?

by EFER41

Posted by EFER41

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This Week’s Question comes to us from Lucy.

Lucy from United States writes:

Hi Erika. I really need your help. So me and my fiance have been together for 4 years, engaged for 1. Our wedding is on October 10th. I know that he loves me and wants to build a life with me but I just can’t stop being paranoid about him lying or cheating on me. I have absolutely no proof that he’s interested in someone else but I can’t get this feeling out. The only suspicion I have is about facebook. I made a fake account to spy on him, he rarely goes online (2-3 times a week). I can’t stop freaking out about this. \

Why is this such a big issue for him?????!!!

Answer:

I get that you feel overwhelmed with all this situation, and it is understandable. The fact is that to be in a committed relationship, trust is really important.

Now, trust does not come when you know 100% of the things your partner does or doesn’t do. Trying to know everything that goes on is impossible.  Control is just an illusion as it is impossible to achieve.

For what you say it feels to me that you only trust him when you “know everything he has been doing” which is freaking you out and normally so. Spying, looking into his things and trying to control what he does or says is taking you down a rabbit hole. If you continue down that path you will get into a lot of stress which I bet you are feeling already, you are also going to very likely drive him crazy if you continue like this.

Trust is about being able to trust someone when you do not know what they are doing or who they are with. The fact that you can not trust him, even though he has done absolutely nothing to show you he does not deserve your trust, tells me the issue is very likely about you and your own ability to trust in general (which shows up in your relationship with him).

What he does or does not do with his FB account is his prerogative, it is his life and you can not nor should you try to force him to do something he does not want to do.

I suggest  you focus on what is going on with you. What issues do you have with trust, rather than projecting those issues on to him.
Some questions than can help you on this process are:

-

  • Why do you have such great issues with trust? Where is that coming from?
  • What exactly are you afraid about?
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  • How is trust an issue for you in other areas of your life (with friends, with work, with your parents, with money?)
  • What are your beliefs about trust and men in general?

My recommendation is to always  look within  first. Take a look at how this is showing up for you and how your issue with trust is affecting this relationship  and very likely other areas of your life too…

With all my Love

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