Decisions are Based on our Values

by EFER41

Posted by EFER41

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So many times I have heard a woman say: “If only he would change. If only he would understand what I am feeling and How his behaviors are affecting our relationship, our family and our life.”

Unfortunately the reason why it is so difficult for someone else to change their behavior is because people’s choices are usually influenced by their value system, whether they are conscious of it or not. People making choices in a relationship do so based on what is important to them. What ever their highest values are will always ultimately determine the kind of decisions they will make.

This plays a critical role in the partners we choose and the things that we feel attracted to. For example  if for a  woman safety is an important value she will most likely have a relationship with someone who is financially stable, and who will portray a protective, strong personality in the relationship.

Problems arise a few years later when the balance in the relationship starts switching to one of the partners, when one of them starts having a stronger say in the way life is lived, one partner becomes stronger and the other one usually ends up dis-empowered.  When values change for each individual what happens is that conflict and disagreements start to surface and the potential of blame and resentment is exponentially increased within that relationship.

At this stage most people incorrectly believe that  “the relationship” is not working any more and in some extreme cases the partners decide to terminate that relationship, only to find a few years later, that upon entering a new relationship, that they ended up unconsciously seeking the same  characteristics that were important to them since the beginning. The problem was not the person they were married to, the problem were the dynamics the partners settle into within that relationship.

When a couple finds a way to stay equally balanced within their relationship, the potential for resentment drops dramatically. What you need to keep in mind is that even if the balance between the couple is lost, it is always possible to regain it… like a sail boat  in the ocean, when the wind tilts one way and creates a risk of it  turning over, the faster you seek a re-positioning to keep the boat balanced, the greater are the chances of surviving and having a smooth sail.

The way to heal a relationship is to have both partners assume their personal responsibility for where they are, and take a good look at the dynamics being played within it and values shifting that has occurred rather than blaming the other person. It is important to get focused on fixing your part first and becoming the person you need to be to have the relationship  you truly desire.

To your Infinite Happiness, Health,
Wisdom and Wealth

Erika Ferenczi

 


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