Pain in Relationships

by EFER41

Posted by EFER41

Pain is not only a part of life, but part of being in relationship. Whoever tells you otherwise is either a blatant liar or trying to live in a fairytale

By Erika Ferenczi CPC, EH, ELI-MP

In the past few months, I have spoken with different men and women with various relationship problems. I have witnessed a common trend: when things start getting rough in their relationship, they start questioning their partner’s love towards them, their own love towards their partner, and even the decision they made to spend their life with that person. Sometimes they even ask what they could do to end their relationship.

New 300x220 Pain in Relationships %CategoryThis is one of the most obvious yet most neglected topics regarding relationships is the topic of emotional pain.

At some point or another, an intimate relationship will cause you emotional pain. It isn’t a question of “if,” but a question of “when.”

How Come we Do not Realize it?

We see countless movies, hear stories, and read books about how amazing it is to be in love. We witness how wonderful it can be. But those movies, stories, and books often leave out hard times, the painful times, and the challenge of being in a committed relationship. Difficult times are inevitable—and it’s normal. Every single relationship goes through them. Somehow the topic gets overlooked.

In our adolescence, as we grew up and learned about life, we started to form intimate relationships. Many of us were never told and never taught that all intimate relationships entail some sort of pain at one point or another. When we started to feel that intense pain, we immediately started to think (either consciously or unconsciously), that the intimate relationship that we were in was not working anymore. We thought that it was deteriorating by the minute. In our youth, the emotional pain we felt usually triggered a break-up or a split. As you may know now, no relationship is exempt from pain.

When we feel pain, we start to blame others. We experience anger and resentment. The arguments that result from anger and resentment only cause more damage. The process continues until all you have left is a broken relationship and no real answers.

eyes crying 300x182 Pain in Relationships %CategoryPain is not wrong, is not bad, it just is. Pain is  part of being alive. Imagine life on a spectrum, as a continuum in time: on one side of the spectrum we have happiness or joy. On the other side one we have pain. Both sides are a part of the whole picture. Both sides are a part of being alive.

How would you know if you are happy and fulfilled if you have never experienced disappointment? How would you appreciate the satisfaction of food if you have never experienced hunger? How would you know when you are warm if you have never experienced cold?

If we shut down on one side of the spectrum, we will also unconsciously shut down on the other side, too.  When you shut down your possibility for pain, you shut down your possibility for joy, love, and happiness. However, this applies both ways—if you are able to tolerate pain, to be present with it, you open the doors to be happier and more joyful than you could have if you didn’t tolerate or experience the pain in the first place.

In a serious relationship you become vulnerable and emotionally open. You share your most intimate fears, your pain, and your doubts. Vulnerability opens the possibility to experience pain and yet is indispensable if we want to feel happiness and emotional closeness to another.

The pain isn’t necessarily an indicator that something is wrong—it’s more of a clue. Use what you’re feeling to reflect on why you are feeling such a strong emotion.

There is a short letter I once wrote, I will share it with you because it may be applicable to any relationship.  It is the TRUE, not sexy, not a fantasy, but the Truth.

Letter to a loved one:

 Sometimes I will hurt you in little ways, I won’t mean to, but I will.

And you will do it, too. You may hurt me. You may even leave me at some point. You may promise you won’t, but the truth is you might.

You are human and so am I. When pain arises, I hope we can get the wisdom to understand it and the strength to overcome it. I can only hope we have the compassion to forgive it and the courage to leave it in the past.

Hurt me you will – Hurt you I will.

Love you, I do.

 

Pain can only happen when there is love, if you do nor care for another it is impossible to feel pain for something they do or do not do. Pain is the result of immense love and vulnerability between two people. The ability to stay with it, experience it, understand it and champion it with out anger, blame or retaliation will open the door to more joy, increased happiness and more aliveness in yourself.

When you’re experiencing pain, it’s important that you don’t start down the rabbit hole of blame. Do not blame your partner for causing you pain. It’s impossible for them to—the most that another person can do is act or react in a way that triggers the pain that is already within you.

Take that opportunity to look within yourself and see what is causing you pain.

Remember every intimate relationship will cause pain at some point or another. Although you may not want to, see it as an opportunity for greater understanding of your partner. Better yet, see it as an opportunity to understand you.

  • Why are you feeling pain?
  • What part of you is feeling the pain?
  • What does pain mean to you?
  • What do you associate pain with?
  • Is pain wrong? Is pain bad?
  • How does pain feel to you?
  • How long can you tolerate pain without reacting?
  • What happens if you witness the pain and allow it to move through you?
  • What happens if you stay with it a little longer? Does it dissipate? Does it diminish? Have you survived?

 

Being with the “right” person is not about not feeling pain ever. It is about understanding, accepting, forgiving, processing, learning from the experience and moving forward with the relationship.

Understand that pain will be present at some point or another. Pain will ultimately help you and your partner grow stronger as a couple, as a single unit. Pain will give you a deeper understanding of each other.

But most importantly, pain will give you an additional understanding of the person you will live with for the rest of your life, your inner YOU.

From my heart to yours,

sign Pain in Relationships %Category

 

 


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“Relationship and Wealth Mindset Mentor Erika Ferenczi devotes her work to empowering women around the world to have fabulous relationships free of conflict and blame and create extraordinary lives. She teaches women the keys to personal transformation, from victimhood and conflict into living a truly extraordinary life full of love and personal and professional satisfaction. Erika guides women into clarity, direction and strength by helping them understand the unconscious dynamics played in their main relationship and teaching them how to understand those dynamics and use them for their growth, freedom and independence. Get more information awww.DecodeTheDynamics.com.

Get her FREE Report “5 Unbelievable Ways to Transform your Awareness and Allow your Relationships to Thrive” to Uncover and Overcome the 5 Mistakes you are making in your relationship that are sabotaging your business and your life at www.DecodeTheDynamics.com ”

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Laurie May 8, 2013 at 5:42 pm

Awesome article Erika!! <3

Reply

Erika Ferenczi May 8, 2013 at 7:09 pm

Glad it helped you Laurie.

Reply

Jacaboba April 25, 2014 at 10:56 am

Wow, God bless you richly for sharing this wonderful and insightful truth. I’m really touched with this piece. Really going to share excepts of that wisdom with folks in the same boat.

Many thanks

Reply

EFER41 August 16, 2017 at 5:20 pm

My pleasure

Reply

Taylor August 13, 2017 at 7:37 am

I have so much anger and resentment towards my boyfriend. So much I’ve broken down about things he’s done. Yet I’m not abused. It’s pain nonetheless and so entirely real to me that I have to hurt myself to release it. Every bit of self harm, has come from the relationship. The anxiety and loneliness I feel is so real.
But I love him very much, he makes me laugh and he loves me for who I am. I will keep riding out the pain he has caused me though and never leave it seems. I love him OR I hate him. No in between.
ThankYou for this insightful article, I always knew that pain is an nessecary evil.

Reply

EFER41 August 16, 2017 at 5:20 pm

Taylor. I think that when you harm yourself, that is a sign of needing help.
Some degree of pain in relationships is normal, expected, but it feels the type you are writing about is not that.
I suggest you read: Women who love too much by Robin Norwood. Here is the amazon Link

There is another book that could be helpful:
I hate you, but please don’t leave me by Kriesman, here is the amazon link.

You deserve love, you deserve to be cherished, loved, seen, never give up on that.
All the best
Erika

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