Is he In Love with Her?

by EFER41

Posted by EFER41

ask erika Is he In Love with Her? %Category

This week’s question comes to us from Ji-Mari.

Ji-Mari Writes to us from South Africa


I have been divorced for 6 years. Nine months ago, I met someone. We haven’t spent a weekend apart since we met. There is a problem though. We started our relationship 2 weeks after he separated from his wife of 12 years. His ex-wife works with him, in the same office, and I feel he is still emotionally connected to her. They also have a son together. The ex-wife situation is starting to get to me — I think I’m becoming paranoid. Am I overreacting? Is he in-Love with her? Please give me some advice.


Erika’s Answer:

Dear Mari:

It is totally understandable that you feel the way you do. After all, they were married for 12 years and they have a child together. It’s important that you get very real about your situation. Your boyfriend was married to someone else for a long time. They have a son together. They work together. Of course they are emotionally connected —he will always have feelings for her. Just because they decided not to continue the marriage doesn’t mean that the love is gone. They just made a decision that they no longer want to spend the rest of their lives with each other.

Before deciding if you want to continue the relationship or not, take a look at your values and what is important for you. Do not try to make him change the way he feels about his ex-wife, the way he conducts his business, the way he does (or doesn’t) talk to her, or even what he does (or doesn’t do). If you try to change his life, you are wasting your time, your energy, and you’ll end up feeling confused. You’ll feel unloved, unappreciated, and maybe even angry and resentful.

You need to get clarity about how you feel about your situation. How much effort and sacrifice are you willing to invest in growing a relationship with someone in this situation? How willing are you to make it work? Is this something that is worth pursuing to you? His ex-wife, his son, and his past are part of who he is. You cannot and should not try to change that.

If you are going to enter a relationship with someone, you have to do it with the entirety of who they are. If you are trying to make him or the situation change right from the beginning, you may bring on years of suffering for the both of you and everyone involved.

Try not to change what he does or how he feels. Instead, focus on what you want, what you feel, and how you wish to live your life. What qualities are you looking for in a man? What sacrifices are you willing to make? If the equation doesn’t add up for you, you know it’s time to walk away. If you’re willing to do the work, get very clear about what is needed to make this work, that way you won’t resent him or anyone else.

With much love,

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